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| Those cute penguins! |
| 08.11.05 (8:58 am) [edit] |
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I want to go see that penguin movie coming out! I saw this cartoon and thought it was funny and made me think about that movie.
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| disconnected |
| 08.08.05 (2:12 pm) [edit] |
there's been such heavy stuff going on in my head and heart lately. I don't even know where to begin and i can't adequately explain what has been taking place there. but it's been heavy, none the less. disconnected. that's how i have felt alot lately....disconnected from family, friends, work, and peace. too much has come to my attention lately about death and getting old and watching loved ones slowly slip away and seeing seemingly healthy people quickly disappear from this life. i hate to see my loved ones getting old and not enjoy life so much anymore. i hate to feel that twinge of guilt for not visiting someone i know is sick/old/dying and who would benefit from my presence in some way. i'm selfish, i'll just admit that here and now. i don't want to be surrounded by sickness and depression and death. but, at the same time, i want to share times with my loved ones who will not always be with us. who will not likely be with us next year, next month, tomorrow. it's heavy alright. a wife loses her husband in the blink of an eye. just the weekend before they were out in a boat enjoying their time. now, she's a widow. last year, she was going all the time and spending quality time with her grandson. now, she can hardly get out of bed. not long ago, he was energetic and healthy and loved to work on the farm. today, he can barely stay awake long enough to have a conversation. going, going, gone. just like that. sometimes you have to wonder if being close to people is worth the pain of losing them. i know it's worth it, but sometimes you wonder if you could spare yourself some pain by avoiding relationships. i've done it, i've seen it. it happens. but, we have to remember that the only way we can feel great pain is to know great pleasure, great love, great times. i know it's true. right now, i guess i'm just fighting my selfishness to avoid those heavy situations. i try to leak out the heaviness in other situations, like a movie that might remind me of losing someone i love. it hits me hard. so heavy i can barely raise my chest with a breath. like a ton of clouds are resting on my chest and my lungs are being squeezed and i'm forced to try to take in a deep breath just to get some air. and it's painful to take in, like that feeling when you're in freezing air and it hits your lungs sharply, like it's being exposed for the first time. i don't know, i'm rambling, but that's okay. i know what i mean and i'm getitng it out and i'm not here to impress anybody. i'm here to express myself and maybe take some of this heavy load off my chest.
i hope it helps.
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| flime ties |
| 08.03.05 (3:24 pm) [edit] |
Gosh, I haven't been here in two months. That's just the way things are these days. Turbo speed all day long....a million things on my plate and no time to think and relax in my head. I need a different job. I am stressed and don't have the energy or desire to do things I normally enjoy. The mental energy needed to do my job has taken over my life and I want it back. It drains me until I do nothing at night. I used to have hobbies and do things after work and enjoy doing many things, but work has taken that all away and I've allowed it. I can't even relax to read a book anymore. I've had a headache since I got up this morning and I can tell it's stress. My job requires alot and I can do it and I do a good job but I feel like it's not doing a good job on ME. And I am not the only one suffering. Everyone suffers in some way. But I do the most. I feel trapped and scared about what may happen. I need away from this toxic place. But until I find a way out, I need to live as healthy as I can. I'm not doing well. And it sucks.
Yesterday, a coworker's husband died. It was a sudden illness and they went in to explore to find the source of some bleeding and he died. Just like that. Makes you think. I can't imagine living without my grrl. She is as much a part of me as the air that I breath. I can't imagine anything worse, and that's scary to think about. But, when faced with things like this, you can't help but think about it at least for a minute. and then you go squeeze your grrl and tell her how much you love her and how happy you are to have her in your life. and just how fortunate you feel to be loved by someone so wonderful. it's rare. it's beautiful and you want to always have it with you.
ok, i'm done for now. we'll see how long it takes to come back.
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