& nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;  

Nation's Wildlife
Fleeing To Canada

(count me in!)

and....

Kerry Captures Bin Laden One Week Too Late

Last night as I was driving home from my niece's basketball game, I was doing alot of thinking.  I tend to think alot while I'm driving, which may explain my driving record, but I digress.....Anyway, I was driving home and it finally dawned on me what the true gay agenda is.  The real gay agenda is really a homophobic agenda.  I personally don't know of any gay person with some sort of agenda to ruin the United States.  Yesterday, I had two incidents happen that reminded me that it isn't about my agenda, it's about other people's agenda. 

I was at work, doing my job as best as I can, with no regard to my sexuality....and then, there it is.....right in my face without warning....the homophobic agenda for my life.  I had a client bring up, during a session, the fact that her control freak husband doesn't want her to come see some dyke who is the therapist.  My sexuality has nothing to do with my abilities or professionalism as a therapist, but other people tend to bring that into treatment.  We discussed it and she agreed that my personal life has nothing to do with HER therapy and she was fine with it.  Her husband was the one with issues, and an agenda.

Later, I went to my nieces junior high basketball game.  I'm sitting there beside my sister and had my 3 yr old nephew hanging on me.  Three young guys, I'd guess in their young 20's, came and sat behind us.  Two of them started to talk about me, laughing and making comments about my sexuality.  I heard one say to the other, "if I was going to bet...", so I turned around, and said "you would win."  I looked them straight in the eyes, but they couldn't look at me.  And then, I turned back around.  The guy was speechless, and so was his friend.  I just had enough of it for one day.  My sister was oblivious to what just happened.  Never knew what took place.  But I am always aware of my surroundings.  One gets the feeling that they have to be.  So, again, I'm being a supportive aunt at a junior high basketball game and I didn't have a gay agenda, but the guys behind me did. 

A couple of days ago, I felt the need to have a conversation with my 12 yr old niece about my sexuality.  This wasn't my agenda, but something I felt I had to do because the door had been opened and no one had asked my input into my life's description to my niece.  So, I wanted my voice to be heard and not my voice through religious tones of family members.  I think it went okay.  It was hard to tell. 

I'm just trying to live my life, go to my niece's basketball game, be a good therapist, live in peace, love my spouse, etc...  The Homophobic agenda is much scarier to me than any gay agenda I've ever heard of.  And it sure gets old having it pushed on me day after day, everywhere I turn around.  I'm not bothering you, I'm not after you, or your wife and I just want to be treated with the respect any heterosexual person would get automatically.  Is that really too much to ask?

One of my favorite philosophers/poets/author s is Kahlil Gibran.  I refer to his writings because they appeal to my psyche more than any other author (at least up to this moment).   I can pick up his book, THE PROPHET, and find it to be so simplistic and full of wisdom.  It's broken down into different topics and I have found them all to be very useful.  If you've never read his stuff, I recommend it.  Since I've been on some self exploration...I thought this one was appropriate for my thought for the day.

On Self-Knowledge

I have used that line many times in a therapeutic setting because people would always say they just want to be normal. And I'd say "normal is a setting on a clothes dryer". Nobody is normal, not really, not to me. The people that think they are normal are lying to themselves and to everybody else and many times desperately trying to blend in or fit in somewhere.

I'm wierd and I know it. When I was a kid, I used to think alot about death.    & nbsp; I used to have all these safety plans in my head for some reason....I had hiding places in the house (just in case) that I knew no one would ever find me. Sometimes I would go and sit in those places and just see if anybody noticed. Nobody ever found me or missed me for that matter.    & nbsp; I would walk in the dark all through the house to see what it was like to be blind. Years later, when I was coming in after curfew, that habit came in handy cause I could walk in total darkness from one end of the house to the other without bumping into anything. Only the tip of my middle finger slightly glazed the wall if/when needed. It was quite impressive, actually.    & nbsp; I pretended I was buried alive laying in the back windshield of Mom's car. (Gee, I hope that never comes in handy).    & nbsp; I was a very quiet kid.    & nbsp; My Mom says that when I was a baby, I was so good and quiet, and that when I woke up, I would just start playing (unlike her other kids that woke up screaming crying). She said sometimes she would come to check on me just to see if I was okay, and I'd be just playing in the bed, completely content.    & nbsp;   I guess I'm just quiet by nature, and many times that has been somewhat of a hassle for me. Folks don't really take to quiet people at parties or in PR situations. "you're so quiet" is usually said in a negative tone. I always figured there were enough people flapping their traps that one more wasn't needed. Besides, I heard or read that you learn alot more if you listen more and talk less.  (it also makes the crazies move to you like a magnet when you are in public places, and can make people think you are smarter than you actually are, but that's a whole nuther blog or two....) 

I remembered my Grandfather (whom I adored) told me that a person had only so many words to say in their lifetime, or something to that effect, so I had in my head that I actually had X-amount of words I could say, so I thought I would save them, and only speak when necessary. I have no idea what that conversation was really about, but somehow I interpreted it to mean I shouldn't waste words.

Have you ever had someone tell you about something you said a long time ago and maybe it meant something to them in some way and you have no clue what they are talking about? Maybe you'd swear it never happened, or maybe you didn't mean what they thought you meant, but they have spent years thinking it was this particular way and it impacted their lives in some way. WOW. That shit is scary! Makes you think about the power of the word.

We can always use some humor in times like these.....The Onion (at www.theonion.com)    is a good source for those who enjoy a little sick and twisted humor (like me)!...

and another....

I have a niece that is 12 yrs old and I have always had a very good relationship with her.  In a school project, she named me as the one person that she felt she could talk to about anything.  I felt really honored and humbled and melted like butter. 

Anyway, I've had vague conversations about my sexuality, without getting into any details of sexuality, and being age appropriate in conversation.  When I moved in with my partner nearly 3 yrs ago, my nieces and nephew had lots of questions.  "Why would I give up living alone in a house in the country to live with a woman and her 3 kids?"  "Why would I move away from my family?"  "Why can't we spend the night with you?"  I didn't know what to say, not really.  They finally did at least accept that I moved in with my best friend and that sounded fun to them.  (That was the conclusion of my younger niece who was about 5 at the time).  I have never had to do this part before, so it's all pretty scary for me.  There is no manual, trust me, I've checked...it's all subjective and nobody really knows the best way to do this stuff. 

Recently, my niece made some comment during the election process that made me think someone had actually had THE conversation with her.  She couldn't say the word gay, it was just implied like it is with alot of people.  But, I just knew there had been a converation with her by someone in the family.  It frightened me, since my family is very religious and my brother in law refuses to let the kids come over and spend the night with me because I'm a homo.  (Apparently he hasn't read the statistics that show most child molesters are white, heterosexual males).  I wanted to know what that conversation was like, just wondering how they told her and decided I would just ask.  So, I called and asked my sister if someone had told my niece I was gay.  Here's the conversation....

(me)  "Did someone talk to _______ about me being gay?" 

(sister)  "well, uhm, yes"

(me)  "So, how did it go?"

(sister)  "well, she said she loved you anyway. Why?  Did she say something to you?"

(me)  "yeah, but it wasn't about me, it was just a feeling I got that she knew, I can't explain it, but I knew someone had talked to her. ...... So, was that hard for you?"

(sister)  "well, it wasn't easy."

(me)  "Did you just talk to her about it, or was she asking questions?"

(sister)  "she asked questions."

And then the subject moved on to something else.  I could tell she didn't really want to say anything else, and didn't really want to talk at all about it, apparently, since I was having to drag it out of her. 

I wish I could have been a fly on the wall.  I would naturally have to be a fruit fly, since I'm queer and all.  But gathering what I can from what I got from my sister, and knowing what I do about my family....I can only assume that since she still loves me "anyway"....that the conversation most likely included the word "sin."  I know my family is teaching their kids to hate the sin and love the sinner, but I wonder what I can do to teach them more about tolerance and unconditional love and acceptance.  I wasn't taught about unconditional acceptance, so I know it may not be easy.  How do you teach someone else's kids about unconditional love and acceptance when your family believes so differently than you do?  How do you show a kid that you feel God made you this way and disagree with their parents in a respectable way?  It seems I worry much more about being respectful in these matters.  And that can hurt sometimes.  It's like their way is THE WAY to see things, and there's just no way that I could be right.  It's not even visited as a possibility.   

At least she still loves me, for that, I am grateful.  I think we'll be okay, at least with the oldest one.  We have always hit it off, so I feel good about this one.  It's the younger one's that I really worry about, but hopefully, the oldest will set the pace for the others to follow.  We'll see....

For a good look at GLBT related issues from the election...check out the Human Rights Campaign website at www.hrc.org

On the website you can find out all kinds of info, but they have posted important election results related to the rights of GLBT Americans.  Eleven states voted on the marriage amendment, with zero states coming away with a positive result for the GLBTs of their state.  No real surprise there.  The site also shows the HRC's political endorsements in the US House and Senate...there were at least some good results there to see. Check it out....

It's all very scary what we have ahead of us.  More of the same and worse, I fear.  And Alabama keeps showing me how great we are as a state...not only are we the fatties of the nation, but we are also known as being ignorant minded people, and election time has proven that to be true.  Alabama is nearly at the bottom of every condition known to the United States...poverty, unemployment, education, etc...  Alabama is a Republican state for no other reason than they feel it's the only race for Christians.  I can't comprehend their reasoning for that, but that is the way it is, nonetheless.   But, here we go, sending off even more of our Alabama you ng men and women to Iraq claiming it's for our right to freedom.  It's has nothing to do with our right to freedom and everything to do with Bush and his agenda and the almighty Oil.  Cry for your sons and daughters dying in Iraq, go to the employment office to check on that job that doesn't exist, ignore how our vice president and others have capitalized on the war, read your Bible, and turn a blind eye to what your president has done with our nation.   You are also responsible because you put him in power again when we had a chance for change.

I wanted to quote one of my favorite authors/poets/etc....

Kahlil Gibran (1883 - 1931), The Broken Wings

Just for a refresher.....retarded is a word that is misused alot...it's used alot as an insult to people.  But my handy dandy dictionary (Oxford, copyright 1997) says retarded is "backward in mental or physical development."  retard is defined as "make slow or late, delay in the progress or accomplishment of."

I have felt really retarded lately in areas of my life and it's not a fun place to be.  I've always been a spiritually minded person (not to be confused with a religious minded person, although there are some who are both).  I just haven't been at a good place of late.  Many things contribute to that, but I am ultimately responsible, regardless of the conditions of things around and in me.  Regardless of anyone else's actions or lack thereof.  Sometimes I'm just not as enlightened as I'd like to be.  Sometimes I have lapses in judgment about things, or react before I use my head/reasoning.  Sometimes I just fuck up royally and it's tough to look at that face in the mirror at times like that.  And it's hard to look into the eyes of those that you hurt when you fuck up royally.  Disappointment is hard to see peering back into your eyes, it's like a laser, cutting into your heart/soul/truth.  In someone's eyes or in your own....  It's not pretty to see, and it's so very painful to feel.  I don't want to run away from those things though, I want to face them, and own what I need to own, and work through it.  It's scary, it's painful, and it's necessary.  Growing pains?  maybe.  I hope so.  I would hope that I would grow in these times, and not shrink away.  I never want to stop growing, that is something I would never want to allow.  It's hard to know what to do at times, and I struggle with these dark ugly monsters who lurk within and around me.  I want to slay them and put them in their place, but sometimes I don't know exactly how to go about that.  But I try, and I will keep trying and I hope I will keep growing.  

You have to figure out what you need to do for yourself to be as healthy as you can be.  It's not dependent on anyone else but you.  You have to figure it out, you have to make the effort, follow through, and keep it up.  Sometimes the things you need to do change over time, and you have to re-evaluate what is needed to be the best you can be.  Right now, I'm a strugglin g with what those things are for me in some areas.  Maybe it takes time.  Maybe you need to "be still" or read or write or sing or whatever it is, but you need to figure that out, and do it.  Not just for you, either, but for those you love, and for those you serve, so that they all can experience the best of you too.   

Dear God/Goddess, it's me, the retarded one, what do I need to do now?   &nb sp;