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| counting down |
| 07.28.04 (3:38 pm) [edit] |
as i sat at my uncle's funeral today, i had this realization.....my mom is the only daughter left in her family that has a living husband. my uncle rollie just died and that leaves my mom with the only family intact. i was sitting next to my sister, and my mom was next to her. my dad was a pallbearer, so he was sitting across the aisle from us in the front pew. i sat for a long time just watching my dad as he cried. he'd take off his glasses every now and then and wipe away his tears and nose and just look straight ahead like he was in deep thought, his face strained from pain. he looked so old and weak and i realized that my father is next. i wondered if he was thinking the same thing. he has just buried the last of his family the generation ahead of him. and he has buried one brother. his health hasn't been great over the last couple of years since being diagnosed with diabetes. seems every ailment that comes his way is long winded and hard to recover from. he seemed so small sitting there. his shoulders a little more slumped than his younger years, his head smaller than it used to be. he looked tired from his journeys.
it was strange when i heard my sister describe to me exactly what i had seen from our seat. she was in her car beside me getting ready for the lineup of cars to follow the funeral procession. i looked over to my sister and said, "I'm not ready for Mom and Dad to die." She said she wasn't either and then talked about how Dad looked sitting there in during the funeral. We realized that our Dad will likely be next. And I honestly don't know how I could handle that. I see his body changing and his steps getting a little more labored and slower. And I am scared of being like all my cousins in my family, sitting at the funeral home looking at my Dad's casket being closed up forever and knowing I will never see his face again, And then, throwing dirt over his casket and walking away to go on with my life.
My sister and I talked about how we hoped in some ways that my Mom would go first, just because she's crazy as it is. She worries every night when she lays down that my Dad may have the fatal heart attack in his sleep and she'll wake up next to a dead man. She worries about him all the time to the point that she tortures him night and day. It drives us all nuts. But, looking from her point of view, I can understand being scared of his death. I can't even imagine what that will be like, to lose my partner of 44 yrs. It has to be one of the greatest voids known to humans. I'm not sure i would describe my parents as soulmates, but I know I have mine and I can't imagine living one day without her. But I have to make it through the deaths of my parents first. At least, i hope so.
Death has been all around to the point of freakishness. My uncle, a woman at work, a woman at work's 18 yr old daugther, a girl I graduated high school with, and a guy I knew from the old neighborhood growing up. And that was just this week!
Ok, I'm ready for this tide to turn and take this death cloud with it. This is just too much to deal with all at once, you know?
Calgon, take me away!!!!!
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| what's eating you? |
| 07.23.04 (7:25 pm) [edit] |
there's something i haven't been able to understand in all my experiences of working with women of all kinds......why is it that the majority of the women i hear talk about sex, talk about it in a negative tone? everywhere i've ever worked, the shop talk inevitably turns to two things.....food and sex.
Women will ooh and ahh over food. they'll make these orgasmic sounds when eating some foods and even when just talking about it. i remember working with this woman who was in denial that she was almost totally deaf. we would eat meals together at work or after hours functions and she would be making these pleasure sounds to the point where you felt like she needed some alone time with her food. she didn't realize how loud she was moaning over the sushi or dessert or whatever. this woman was enjoying her some food, people! i, for one, can't compare food to sex.
these women talk about food all day long....they plan lunch as soon as they finish breakfast or during breakfast. everytime you pass them, they are talking about food. the whole day revolves around food. i guess that's okay, it's just not me. i like to eat food, but i like sex awhole lot more. the pleasures of the two cannot be compared to me. but, apparently, i am in the minority, at least in the women i have worked with over the years.
a lot of times these same women you hear having orgasms over food will say they could live the rest of their lives without sex. they dread it. they do it as little as possible and only when they must. they don't enjoy getting oral sex but will give it sometimes. they don't love their pussy. they let the dick rule their sex life. and even some lesbians i know just don't seem that thrilled about sex. i have talked to many women friends and clients about their thoughts on sex. many of them don't enjoy oral sex because they don't feel comfortable, or think they smell funky in a bad sort of way, or can't just let go and let loose. some women have never had an orgasm and that really makes me sad for them. some women don't masturbate, don't know their own bodies, don't want to. it's all very foreign to me, but i've heard the story time and again.
some women just don't have much of a sex drive. which sometimes makes me think i have more of a sex drive like a man. i think about sex like these women think about food. i daydream about last nights naked adventures. i love sex like most women love food. i rant and rave about great sex like those women rave about that scrumptious meal they just ate. i love sex like most men love sex but in a much more passionate way. and i think those are good things!! i wish more women enjoyed sex as much as i did. it would make the world a better place. maybe they could stop obsessing over food and think about the big O. that would be a good diet to go on. The O Diet. Yeah, I like it. I'm on the O Diet. Taste Great, Less Filling. Smells great! Feels Great! Works off calories. Helps you rest better at night. Doesn't cause intestinal discomfort or heartburn like eating food can. You don't have to buy anything. It's good stress relief. You can serve it up anyway you like it. Maybe I should market this.....
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| the nerve |
| 07.21.04 (4:04 pm) [edit] |
I am amazed at the nerve some people have to just tell a big fat lie right up in your face. That's just a pet peeve of mine. Liars suck.
I had an employee lie up in my face today, when there were witnesses to the facts. She just jumped right in and lied without blinking an eye. Totally denied what other's said. I knew she was lying and I just wanted to tell her what a fucking liar she was and did she think I was a fucking idiot. But, I have to be nice since I'm the boss. Gotta play nice, they say. But liars make me want to get ugly.
Another incident at work today......there was this little bender fender....an employee backed one of our work vehicles into another employee's car. I had to do a report about the accident and I told what I knew.....I find out later that someone altered my report (that has my signature on it) to lie. I ended up telling the insurance people the truth on the phone, but I didn't appreciate someone changing my report to make me a liar. I just don't undersand folks.
On a whole 'nuther plane.....what about those airport security people from 9/11 that let all 19 of those terriorist waltz right through security, even after setting off the alarms time and again. I'd sure hate to be them today. Those videos coming out aren't good advertising for those folks. and what about all these lying politicians who have stood up all this time acting like we did all that we could? How could they stand there so boldly and lie like a drug addict in church on Sunday? Right in the American's faces. No shame. And how are they still sitting in their seat of authority? What will it take?
Liars suck.
:evil:
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| complicated encounters |
| 07.18.04 (1:57 pm) [edit] |
Have you ever noticed how easy relationships are for little kids? If you like somebody, you tell them. If you like a kid, you play with them, invite them over, do stuff together, share secrets and dreams. There are all these avenues to meet people.....for me it was church, and school. other kids have clubs or social groups or whatever. and then there is sports, my all time favorite way to meet people. anyway, time goes on and things tend to get a little complicated in relationships.
when you get older, you are faced with dealing with those relationships and how they altered your life, your self. you have to face those poor decisions you made and all the time it took to figure that out. you have to face the good and the bad and figure out just how to deal with that.
i've made plenty of bad choices in relationships with people over the years. sometimes, i didn't handle things the best way. sometimes, i hurt people. i let them down. they let me down. they hurt me. but, ultimately, the thing we have to face is how we treated people, whether they hurt us or not, whether they continue today, or ended some time ago and how they ended. your deal with how you conducted yourself. that's the bottom line. and sometimes I didn't conduct myself in the way i wish i would have.
in therapy, they always talk about closure. it would be ideal for us all to have a healthy closure with folks, but it doesn't happen like that most of the time. sometimes, we have to cut ties, patch ourselves up as best we can, or just go with the flow and see where we go.
i've had friends that i used to spend a lot of time with. we used to talk and share thoughts and dreams and all those things. and those were really good times. somehow, i always thought that those friends would stick with us and we'd just acquire more and the number would grow until we'd be in heaven, surrounded by all those that we love. but that isn't how things go.
relationships get way more complicated than the playground for adults.
i used to be good at them, but i don't feel that way so much anymore. and i have to face my own ghosts of how i've conducted myself with some of them. i've disappointed myself and made poor choices and acted selfishly so many times. i face those ghosts and wonder what do i say? what do i do to make it right? and i don't know the answer. but to just move along and try to do better the next time.
you can do so many things just right and then one thing is done and it seems that all is lost. the one poor decision you make outshines all the good you had going and things get wierd. or maybe, you didn't do anything wrong, but just drifted apart and somehow that has to be somebody's fault. and it falls on your shoulders and you throw it in the backpack and keep on trecking along. maybe just a little bit slower and heavier, but you move on.
i guess i'm lucky in that i've at least found my soulmate. that is good. with her, i know where i stand. all is good. all is well. without a spoken word, we know. we feel. we breathe it in and out every day. the warmth of her skin. the feel of her ass against me in our bed. it's all good. and i can be myself. be honest. be ugly and she takes me where i am. and loves me. and holds me close. and i believe in people again. i feel hope for the world. i feel hope for true love seekers everywhere.
this whole thing probably doesn't make sense to anyone and that's okay. i am sorry for those times and relationships that i messed up somehow. i didn't make the right choices at that time and i'm sorry. call it immaturity. call it selfishness. call it stupidity. but the past is the past. and a friend was a friend then. and you just did your best. sometimes our best isn't always THE best. and you have to forgive yourself and each other and just accept it for what it was. a friendship. a relationship that had it's purpose at it's time. people sharing of themselves, ever how sick it may have been at times. ever how good. it just was. it was. and that's what we have to remember. it was and it will be in our hearts and minds for that time. it's time. and if you are very lucky, you'll find friends that stand the test of time. changes come and time moves on and sometimes we are lucky enough to keep one or two. and i notice that those few are the ones who can accept change, who move with you where you are, and love you no matter what form that friendship takes. and you know then that you are lucky to know such a friend as this. lucky. and thankful. and sometimes, it makes you mourn for those that didn't make the passing of time. didn't last past that season they were in. but they served their purporse still. and we are all what we are today because of those relationships. and i wouldn't be here today, with my love, in this way had it not been for all those relationships that i have experienced in their day. and the experiences go on and friends will come and friends will go and some will remain through the changes and some will fade away after their season and you keep going and evolving and hopefully you'll learn a thing or two along the way and show some peace to folks and give a hand or lend a shoulder or pat a back or any number of things just to make this world a little bit better place to be. a little more bearable. a little more loving.
so, now, i'm back on that sacred ground of childhood friendships. i like you, do yo like me? will you come over and play? can we go have some fun? will you sit with me? will you just be who you are and i who i am and just enjoy this time. and love.
and she turns her bright eyes to me with a glimmer and smiles and gives me that look that lets me know i am home. i am home and all is well. and i'm thankful once again for our child like nature and old soul love.
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| holy smokes |
| 07.15.04 (8:06 pm) [edit] |
things have been so busy lately and i haven't had a chance to blog. work has been busy. they are cracking down on internet use, so i can't blog during breaks or lunch anymore....seems they want to fire anyone who uses the internet for ANYTHING other than work. and they can. so, i can only do this at home....which means sharing the internet and phone lines with 4 other people in the house! it's hard to concentrate to blog at home alot of times, so at work with my door shut in a moment between appts always worked best. oh well. it was nice while it lasted.
today is my birthday. i'm 38. it's hard to believe it. but my mom told me it's true. i was thinking yesterday of how about 15 years ago on my birthday, i was struck by lightning while on the phone. i was on the phone with someone calling to wish me happy birthday. my mom kept telling me to get off the phone b/c it was storming really bad. i didn't want to be rude, so i talked a few minutes. then it hit me....bam! threw me to the floor like a rag doll. lightning went in my ear, down my arm and side and out my foot. i was paralysed for a short time, and knocked out. i couldn't feel my foot for awhile and i couldn't hear anything out of my ear. but, after a couple of hours, i felt pretty normal again. as far as i know, i had no permanent damage. i was lucky. in reading about it, many people have heart attacks, have severe burns, go deaf, have seizures, and a bunch of other really bad stuff. so, i'm thankful that i didn't suffer any permanent damage. i know what some of you are thinking, you're thinking that this story explains alot about me. well, maybe you are right. maybe it did some drain bramage. i guess there's just no telling.
ok, i'm going to get my birthday loving.....maybe it'll light up in here tonight!
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| Life is bizarro |
| 07.08.04 (1:00 pm) [edit] |
I recently went to an all day meeting with all of the supervisors from our agency. The CEO was sharing thoughts and also shared some cool cartoons. I had seen most of the cartoons, since I love cartoons, but the last one was different.
The cartoon was by a Dan Piraro and the name of the cartoon was "Bizarro." I looked him up online and found some other cool cartoons by him. You should check him out.
This particular cartoon I was given was surreal and satirical in nature and made me think....
The cartoon is of a guy who is walking down the road. In the background, you see that his car has broken down quite a ways back. On the side of the road, he has found some rollerskates.
The guy is saying "Wow....just my size"
The caption under the cartoon reads....
"Suddenly it was all very clear. Life would be a series of great disappointments followed by minor windfalls."
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| Rednecks and fireworks |
| 07.01.04 (8:10 am) [edit] |
Have you ever noticed how these two go hand in hand?
My stepson was just telling us a story last night about how he was shooting fireworks and barely missed another smaller kid's face. Where was the adult supervison? His deadbeat dad was the supervision and that's about like putting a 3 year old in charge. Why do people think it's okay to let kids play with fireworks?
And then, there's the drunk rednecks with fireworks. That's a whole 'nother safety issue and emergency room visit to discuss.
Every know an adult who injured themselves with fireworks? I have. We sure don't need small kids and drunk adults in charge of the situation!
Hope you all have a safe 4th of July! Let Freedom Ring for everyone, not the just those in power and privilege positions.
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