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| stepping stones |
| 03.31.04 (4:46 pm) [edit] |
yesterday, i had that dreaded feeling, a downward pulling inside, an old familar pain and i quickly tried to pass it off on something else other than the fact that i have another kidney stone. i had the usual signs....back pain, side pain, stomach pain, can't get comfortable in any position, can't relieve the pain, having to pee alot, pain when i pee and the feeling that something inside has just stopped working and you are about to have something shutdown inside. i went to bed around 11pm or so, and then at 1:35am, i was raised up from my sleep from a sharper pain inside. i knew then it was a stone. i didn't get one wink of sleep after that. i stayed in the bathroom half the night after that because of the need to pee. started vomiting around 5am and knew i just needed to give up the ghost and go the the ER. it's always a bother, cause i know what it is and what i need, but the hospital has to do their thing....are you pregnant? (no, no uterus), when was your last period (uh, i don't have them anymore because of that uterus thing), how long has it been hurting, where does it hurt.....all the while i'm squirming all over the place trying to find some way to ease the pain. and i just want to scream "give me some fucking demerol!" they eventually do, but you have to jump through the hoops. then they want to take an X ray to prove it and, of course, it's always there. [b] whoever tells you not to let the small things bother you has never had a kidney stone[/b]. those babies are very small but they bring alot of pain. anyway, i got a nice cocktail of demerol, phenigren and toradol. even then, it took a little while to bring some relief. and then they send you home to strain your pee to find that little baby. and they give you some drugs to help with pain, today it was Percocet. the bad thing about getting good drugs is, the only time you can get them is when you actually NEED them, and you can't enjoy it. maybe i'll try to keep back one for a rainy day. and of course, give my grrl one, cause she loves some pills, and i love to make her happy. i felt the pain coming back after that first pill starting wearing off, so i know i'm going to need the pills, but hopefully the stone will pass within the next day or two. i sure hope it does. i really don't want to have to have surgery.
i've always heard that the pain of having a kidney stone is worse than having a baby. if that is the case, this was my 4th child. and i want to know, where the hell are my gifts and presents and money? why don't somebody throw me a shower and give [u]me[/u] some shit? maybe give me one of those cocktails for a rainy day so i can enjoy for a change! one can only hope.
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| Cray Z Free Zone |
| 03.29.04 (7:00 pm) [edit] |
I'm thankful for .......
a drama free relationship.
making it through some cray-Z relationships in the past.
comfortable silence.
for the feel of your ass against me in our bed.
to be understood so well.
to have someone of such character as you to love me.
I'm thankful you have a heart of gold.
such a lovely shape and feel and taste and smell and presence.
"such a cute hourglass figure" that's what she told me about you.
(oh yes)
"she was the top of her class"
(oh, you have no idea)
"I bet you've met your match"
(finally)
for the bestest friend I have ever had.
for your pretty smile and shining eyes.
for your intelligence and open mind.
your perfect lips.
for your soft skin and fleshy hands and for having meat on your bones.
for Nancy giving you such a great ass.
for your work ethic.
for the sway of your hips as you stir the pot.
for the tossle of your children's hair.
for the mother in you.
for your political views.
for the sweetness of your voice.
all that and brains to boot.
inquisitive nature.
soothing soul.
catlike prowess.
tiger.
heater.
loving.
your yiddle hands.
goofiness.
and sense of humor.
For being well worth the wait.
You got all the right stuff.
hey, what more can I say?
I think you are THE BEST.
Thank You, Faith.
Thank You, Great Spirit, or whoever you are.
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| nature is free |
| 03.26.04 (10:20 am) [edit] |
Yesterday was a beautiful day. I got to spend time with people that I love.....I got to go to a park....I got to watch lions playing......I got to have some icecream......I got some great sex......it was a [i]very[/i] good day.
Let's do that again tomorrow!
It was a nice day and reminded me of how we need to appreciate nature around us, and see the sites (which are free) and enjoy sunshine and the great outdoors. It's good for the soul! Sounds like the weekend will bring more beautiful weather!
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| making wise the simple |
| 03.24.04 (7:11 pm) [edit] |
I was recently reading in a book entitled, "The Pig Who Sang To The Moon" by Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson. It's an interesting read and could make just about anyone think seriously about being a vegetarian.
In the book, Jeffrey tells of a handsome rooster with an insatiable sexual appetite, so much so that his name was Randy. Randy was one third the size of the ladies he swooned. When Randy was separated from the chickens, he showed signs of depression......his tail feathers drooped, he wouldn't eat, he stopped grooming. He was an unhappy rooster. But, as soon as they put him back with the ladies, he perked right up, strutting around with his tail feathers back up again, and he started eating and grooming again....he was in rooster heaven.
As a result of his studies, Mr Masson stated...."I suggest, as a former psychoanalyst and someone concerned with the etiology of depression, that we would do well to examine depression in farm animals as a way of understanding human depression. In every case I have seen, the animals were depressed because they are deprived of their normal life."
Hmmm. Interesting.....
And further encouragement that I should strive to move to somewhere else. far, far away. Somewhere where we could strut our stuff and be happy and live what is "normal" to us.
What a nice concept.
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| irritants and pleasantries |
| 03.22.04 (8:00 pm) [edit] |
Irritants for the day:
1. the damn dogs that bark incessantly next door
2. the fact that nothing has been done about unethical behavior by a professional at my work, and the reasons behind it.
3. senseless meetings
4. hormonal breakout on my face
5. having to pick which bills I'll be late on this time
6. 20th year high school reunions (yes, that's right, 20 freaking years) - and the feelings that go along with it.
7. this sinus headache I've had for the past three days
8. loud noises and people bothering me in the morning
9. having to get your car fixed (i just got back brakes and now i need front brakes)
10. not getting good enough sleep
Pleasantries
1. the joys of having a sick sense of humor
2. being understood (esp by my grrl)
3. how my 3 yr old nephew runs, grinning, with arms open wide when he sees me
4. my niece winning Miss Elementary at her school
5. the deviant grin I had today when I thought about last night
6. my friend, Phil, who is good for a laugh, a cry, or anything in between
7. Ambien and the sleep it brings me
8. knowing if I [i]did[/i] go to the high school reunion, i'd have the hottest wife there
9. squirrel monkeys
10. Sunday night tv with my bestest friend
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| foggy brain |
| 03.19.04 (2:25 pm) [edit] |
I feel like I've been in a fog lately. My brain is having some difficulty focusing in on things. I keep having that feeling like I've forgotten something important. Or that something is wrong. I hate when that happens. Come to think of it, I think my brain has been in a fog for some time now. Gosh, I hope it's not a permanent state of mind.
Oh, and there's also a full moon coming up this weekend.
Bad memories keep crowding my mind. Sometimes they just hit me out of the blue, like a swift fist to the belly, knocking the breath out of me for a bit. But I recover.
My brother has a wedding coming up. Me and my partner are attending. She is a wee bit nervous about so much family time. Heck, I am too. I wish my family could see through the homophobia enough to see what a wonderful person she is. I wish everybody could just relax and enjoy the good qualities of each other. It's hard to relax and just be yourself when you know others are prejudging you. It's hard to let your guard down around people who think you're going to hell. I've been there too many times to remember them all. It turns into this impossible situation. You become what they say you are, in some ways. You isolate from them, because you aren't accepted. You keep your guard up because you can't just be yourself, b/c [i]ALL[/i] of you isn't okay. You keep your distance and remain more quiet than you normally would because you don't feel the safety of acceptance. So, nobody wins. Everybody loses. And, once again, you are reminded that you are not what they want you to be. A disappointment. And as much as they hate to admit it, they wish you would just go away. Out of sight. And come home for a cordial visit now and then. Maybe at Christmas or other special times.
That's why I want to move away. Somewhere that I can be who I am without someone prejudging me based on the Bible Belt views, and based on knowing all my family and my history. I had that once and it was awesome. I want to have that environment again, but this time I won't be alone, I'll have a partner and a family with me. I hope I haven't lost my mind by the time I get there. I hope I'm not too beaten down by all this oppression. I hope.......One day......
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| what's wrong with teenagers? |
| 03.16.04 (7:05 pm) [edit] |
From what I can tell, most of what is wrong with teenagers today is their parents. Not that everything is always the parent's fault. I don't believe that, but in mental health, you have a troubled kid, you'll find some sick parents standing in front of them screaming. i mean, lets face it, kids these days aren't taught much in the way of self respect or the respect of others. kids run the households today. and then the kids do something that brings negative attention to the family, and then, all of the sudden, the parents are asking how did we get to this point? kids have everything they want these days....computers in their rooms, tv's in their rooms, playstations, x box, DVD, all the latest high tech stuff, more clothes than they know what to do with and anything else their little hearts desire. kids don't have any responsibilities, but have all these luxuries. i guess parents are trying to give to their kids the things they always wanted. the parents will say things like, "well, i had to work hard when i was a kid and my parents would have never let me talk to them like my kids talk to me." and whose fault is that? who allowed that to happen? that seems to be one of the things our society teaches us these days.....don't accept responsibility for anything. expect handouts. worry about what everybody else thinks. i see these kids sitting there with that look of "oh paleeeze" while the mom cries about how the kid has done THIS to THEM to make their life miserable. Geez, when i was a teenager, that was MY line. it was the parent trying to make MY life miserable. somewhere along the way kids and parents have switched roles. momma worries that daughter is mad at her and hates her, cause, you know, that's what she said and she knows that isn't true, boo hoo. grow up, people, that's junior high school shit. kids are smarter than their parents and kids will test you. if you're not smart enough, they'll push those buttons until you have lost your mind. it's YOUR job to set limits, not the kids. it's YOUR job to be the grownup. your livelihood doesn't depend on your child. each individual is responsible for their own behavior. i hear this mom say how she is going crazy because of these things her daughter has done, but in the same sentence say how she wants her daughter to have some respect for herself and know that she is accepted. your kids aren't there to make you feel better. they aren't there to give you a life. teenagers have a tough time on their own, they don't need whiny ass parents crying about how disappointed they are in you. these parents come dragging their kids in for therapy to FIX THEM because they can't handle them anymore. look people, you created this atmosphere here. you have created this environment for years and you can't expect some professional to fix your mess. here's some advice.....say what you mean and mean what you say. love your kids and show it. don't yell at them all the time. don't give them their way all the time. make them be responsible for their actions. love them unconditionally. hug them. tell them NO sometimes. love them enough to make them suffer the consequences of their actions. and don't bail them out everytime something happens to them. don't live your life for them. let them have some privacy. teach them self respect by example. teach them to respect others by example as well. teach them to respect adults. (especially their grandparents. nothing pisses me off more than some spoiled brat telling their grandmother to shut up, or some other disrespectful command). be open to talk about anything without freaking out on them. treat them like you respect them. speak to them like they are human, cause, you know, they are. don't expect to be treated with respect when you don't treat them with respect. show them how to take care of themselves by taking care of yourself well and treating others with kindness. talk to them in a respectful manner, you know, like you'd like to hear from THEM. there's that "teaching by example" thing again.
and if you don't want to have kids, then DON'T have them. more people need to make that decision instead of making everyone else suffer for your not being mature enough to be a parent. and if you decide to have kids anyway, don't blame your kids. it was YOUR choice to give birth. if you gave up your "dreams" when you got pregnant, don't tell your kids that. it's not their fault you gave up dreams to have them. they don't need to hear that. they didn't have any choices in this, you did.
i don't have all the answers, but these are just some of my thoughts on the subject. i'm not a parent. i'm an observer. i'm an ex teenager. i'm a therapist. and i worry about what kind of adults we are teaching our children to be. these folks are going to be taking care of us one day. and signing our paychecks. and deciding about our retirement or social security benefits. and will be our children's spouses and the parents of our grandchildren. and leading our country.
we need to be careful what we teach them.
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| thanks |
| 03.15.04 (12:40 pm) [edit] |
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i was watching tv and saw some image of a motorcycle and it gave me a flashback. my brother has had a motorcycle and i've always loved to ride. he was really cool and taught me how to drive his big ass bike. it was way too big for my taste, but he insisted bigger was better. so, i drove and learned well from a good and patient teacher. smooth and cool. a dyke on a bike. it felt so good to drive around the city at night and feel the wind and the freedom of riding a bike. so, every trip up he would let me take the bike for a spin. insisted even. that last time, i took a drive at night. went to a church parking lot and practiced b/c it had been awile and i felt rusty. my brother had this cool plan that i could drive his bike to the millenium pride march in DC that next day. it was fun thinking about it. a dyke on a bike alone in DC driving to the gay pride march. yep, chicks like a dyke on a bike. some kid was watching me over a fence at the church parking lot. i hit some wet grass and the bike slid out from under me, landing on my leg. this bike was too heavy for me to even pick up off myself. the kid watching came running over and helped me get the bike off of me. the blinker light was knocked off and the front bars were bent and i was nervous and my legs were scratched, bruised and hurting. i was determined to get back on that horse, so to speak, so i got on the bike and drove it back to my brother's house. i walked in with the left blinker light in my pocket. my brother asked me how my ride was....i had to explain that i wrecked his bike, but that i was okay. my leg was really hurting and i didn't realize just how bruised i was until a couple of hours passed. my leg hurt and was scarred for over a year after that accident. this isn't a big story to tell, but i learned firsthand how dangerous a bike could be, even going at a slow rate. and i learned that my brother showed some character in the situation. he was concerned that i was okay. never mentioned the bike at all. it turned out that it warped the frame and i don't know to this day how much it costs cause he wouldn't tell me. that was really cool of him. i was afraid he'd be really pissed at me. but it WAS an accident and he was cool. the next time i visited, he offered to let me take it for a drive again, but i'll tell ya, i just wasn't interested in driving that big ole bike anymore. i just thought of that last night when i was watching tv and was thankful that my brother was so cool about the whole thing. and thankful i wasn't seriously hurt. i'm thankful for the opportunity to learn to drive a bike like that. it was fun while it lasted. and i rode the metro into DC for the gay pride march that day years ago, and was happy to be alive and a part of such a big event. thanks, brother, i appreciate that day and that experience.
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| A list of things that are disturbing to me...... |
| 03.13.04 (7:50 am) [edit] |
Child sexual, physical, and emotional abuse or neglect.
The 562 deaths of Americans in the War in Iraq (at last count).
Roy Moore.
Neo-Nazi skinheads and other white supremacy groups.
The power of money.
Deadbeat loser fathers who don't show their kids anything except maybe confusion and a bad example.
16 yr old male drivers trying to show off.
Fred Phelps.
The cost of the War in Iraq, which at last count was over $105,000,000,000.
The rate of obesity in the US.
That assault weapons are so easily obtained by anyone in the US.
Michael Jackson.
Female circumcision.
That about 30% of the women in the US military are sexually assaulted while in service.
Religion.
Violence of any kind against anyone, including animals.
Discrimination.
Buffet style resturants.
The amount of damage done by Christians (like doctors, preachers, teachers, coworkers, parents, neighbors, politicians, leaders, friends, therapists, babysitters, spouses, relatives, coaches, psychiatrists, etc...), all in the name of God.
The number of people driving around who are using hardcore drugs.
Paranoid schizophrenics off their meds who have guns.
The rate of incest that still exists.
Who the severely abused children of today will become.
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| meaning |
| 03.10.04 (9:48 pm) [edit] |
you have to ask yourself sometimes, what makes life meaningful?
what makes a person have some worth?
just the fact they were born?
some greater purpose?
the big picture?
your own little world being improved in some way?
nothing?
i think in my family, giving birth to a child makes your life worth something. doesn't really matter if you are a good parent or teach your kids to be socially conscience or whatever. just have some freaking kids.
or, maybe if you'd at least get married.
work says you have to be good at your job.
save the company money.
make 'em all proud.
family, work.
save a life?
feed the poor?
be a volunteer for handicapped kids?
be a missionary?
drive a nice car?
find a cure for cancer?
love children?
love old people?
make lots of money?
risk your life for someone?
save children from a burning fire?
just be a decent human being?
don't kill anybody?
live by the Golden Rule?
do community work for low ass wages?
geez, I don't know.
you try to be good and nice and fair and think of others. But we are all basically selfish beings, so why all this pressure to do something great?
we are just a speck in the universe.
yeah, I believe God created us.
but have you ever been in an airplane and looked down at how very small everything is? from way up there, houses and cars are little dots and people aren't even seen at all.
nonexistent to the universe out there.
invisible from a space not even out of our own planet's atmosphere.
that leaves a WHOLE lot of OTHER space that doesn't even know you exist.
somewhere there is some balance for all that, i guess.
you're significant, but you're nothing special.
you're unique, but don't get the big head.
you're never alone, but know loneliness.
maybe you can do some good things.
you have your moments.
but most of the time seems to be spent in some stupor.
and then you see some story about somebody with cancer and how they found the meaning/importance of life and appreciate it and do all these good things.
and they fight for life with all their might.
is life just like everything else? you have to lose it to appreciate it?
boy, that sucks.
you gotta get some terminal illness before you really want to live?
you gotta have no legs to appreciate them?
you have to be poor to appreciate money?
sick to appreciate health?
death to appreciate life?
how fucked up is that?
you think you get old and wise and feel you've lived a full life and you're ready to go on to the next world.
then you hear about some old 90 yr old lady who is fighting for her life with all these health problems.
an old woman who can't get out and enjoy anything, is fighting for a life that would be held within 4 walls for what is left of it.
i can't make any sense out of it.
in saying all this, i can appreciate life and love and breathe and health and all,
but what about in the morning when i wake up?
or when somebody cuts me off in traffic on the way to work?
do you just forget all that stuff so easily that one minor distraction can make you forget what's important?
geez, I'm taking an ambien and going to bed.
maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
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| just for the record |
| 03.09.04 (6:24 am) [edit] |
I have never had sex with an animal.
I have never sexually abused anyone.
I don't prey on women or children.
I HAVE had sex with a man, and I prefer women, and it's not because I didn't find the RIGHT man, it's because I prefer women in every way.
I'm not a devil worshipper.
I believe in God.
I have never had sex with a virgin.
I have never broken up a marriage.
I have never made anyone gay.
I have always worked in a job serving the community.
I have never killed anyone.
I don't abuse drugs or alcohol.
(I will clarify here that if marijuana was legal, I'd be purchasing some on my way home from work today.)
I can count the number of people I have had sex with.
I have a family at home that I am invested in.
I am monogamous.
I am in a commited relationship and have been 2 1/2 yrs.
I don't find myself attracted to EVERY woman that I see.
I believe in family values, you know, like teaching that we should respect others, and be kind, and deviant stuff like that.
Seems like there are alot of strange thoughts about lesbians out there and I thought I'd clear some things up about this particular lesbian.
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| teaching and preaching |
| 03.07.04 (9:01 pm) [edit] |
it always amazes me what religious people will try to preach and teach to others all in the name of God.
regardless of what character that person may display,
they can preach and teach whatever they please in any forum they so choose.
and nobody is supposed to question that.
regardless of who they hurt or how they may put someone's very life in danger, they will stick to their guns, and claim it's all in the name of the Lord.
They don't know the very Word they profess.
They destroy self esteem and self discovery with their little boxes they wish to place you securely in.
don't ask any questions.
don't use your brain.
don't even listen to your gut.
judgment.
guilty verdicts handed out by the minute.
guilt and shame is the name of the game.
Fear rules.
Confusion is thought to be your lacking the ability to have faith.
to doubt.
blind faith, they say.
yeah, blind to all the ugly deeds they perform.
ugly as the beasts described in Revelations.
riding on horses thundering towards you,
ready to claw your very heart out and feed off it.
inocent blood dripping.
young hearts and spirits broken.
claim a victory.
all for the Lord.
hallelujah.
bow your head and raise your hands.
sometimes i just don't understand.
is it the voice of God, or the voice of man?
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| beautiful images |
| 03.01.04 (6:52 pm) [edit] |
I'm tired. I haven't had enough sleep lately. Work is stressful. Money is tight. My cell phone may get turned off any day now. With all that aside, I wanted to focus on something positive in a blog today.
With all the negative images in my brain and on the tv and at work and in my bank account......it's time to think of some good images. Beautiful images. So, here goes...
a baby's little fingers wrapped around your finger.
my grrl's eyes when they are smiling/shining.
my nephew running to greet me with a hug and a grin.
my grandmother's wrinkled hands patting me when I was a kid.
my Dad being unafraid to cry when he feels something strongly.
the look in my sister's eyes when she first saw her baby girl.
being in nature where there are no powerlines, or roads, or people, or cars, or trash, or loud noises.
my bed.
my friend, Phil's smiling face.
my grrl wearing black.
kitten's playing.
the supra sternal notch of a woman.
my godmother's knowing look.
the ocean.
baby animals.
a galloping horse.
the small of a woman's back.
sunset/sunrise.
waterfalls.
little kid's giggling.
rainbows.
chocolate.
a nice full set of lips.
the fairy with the rainbow wings.
a play well executed (basketball).
buttercups.
fall leaves.
a nice round ass.
a loving glance.
love letters.
pictures of fun times.
a nice bed of lilies.
a full moon.
admiring a flowerbed in bloom that I planted.
looking out the kitchen window and seeing a deer.
getting a glimpse of wildlife while hiking.
my Dad's strong and gentle hands when i was a kid.
my horse, Silver, that I had when I was a kid.
those 8 puppies I wallowed around with when i was a kid.
somebody who is happy to see you.
my yellow banana seat bicycle that transformed into a motorcycle, and sometimes a horse.
a woman's body with her curves and soft skin.
my grrl when she's being a sweet mama.
my grrl when she's stirring a pot of food on the stove, that swaying of her hips.
the wag of Manna's stubby tail.
the view from above the clouds in an airplane.
blue skies.
love.
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