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| stare, stare, booger bear |
| 02.29.04 (6:24 pm) [edit] |
It's amazing to me that people have such poor manners as to stare at people so obviously in public. Do people think they are invisible when they gawk at you from across the room? Do they think that they are looking into a tv screen when they stare like that? Like you are some monkey in a cage, ready for you to do some tricks or something, I guess. I swear, it makes you want to stay home sometimes. There's nothing freakish about me, but I am a dyke. I have short hair, I'm kinda talk and lanky, and have more of an androgynous appearance, I guess. There's nothing outrageous about my appearance, but people do [i]love[/i] to do some staring. They may be trying to figure out of I am a woman or man, or just gawking at me cause they do that to queers. They like to look me over real good, look down at my breasts to double check, looking so haughty down at me, and looking like I am Satan himself. I'm just sitting in a resturant eating dinner, minding my own business. I'm not standing on the tables shouting obscenities at the women and children. I'm doing what everybody else is doing, you know, like, shopping, eating, walking, talking, whatever. Do people just think staring is okay to do if it's someone different from them? I guess so.
Well, listen up people, it is fucking rude! Keep your eyes in your head and have the decency to show some manners. And please teach your children that too, while you are at it, okay?
What would Miss Manners say?
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| couples rights |
| 02.26.04 (7:03 am) [edit] |
Somewhere in Vegas, right at this moment, there is a couple getting married by an Elvis impersonator. The couple met a couple of weeks ago, and they are intoxicated, but they will be wed today.
That couple will have all the legal rights of a married couple. Nobody wonders if their marriage is good for society. They don't have to fight for the right to get married. No one will question that legal document.
But a gay couple who have committed to their relationship for years, and built a life together, raising kids together, paying taxes, taking their kids to soccer practice, working everyday, minding their own business, not destroying any marriages, adding stability to the community and a good home to raise kids, promoting their kids to see the worth of each individual (which will make a better world for everyone), contributing to their community,etc.....this couple has no rights.
And few think there is something wrong with this picture.
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| prayer for the times |
| 02.25.04 (2:57 pm) [edit] |
Enlightenment to the closed minded and ignorant.
Enlightenment - according to the American Heritage Dictionary:
"The act or a means of enlightening.
The state of being enlightened.
Enlightenment A philosophical movement of the 18th century that emphasized the use of reason to scrutinize previously accepted doctrines and traditions and that brought about many humanitarian reforms. Used with the.
Buddhism & Hinduism. A blessed state in which the individual transcends desire and suffering and attains Nirvana. "
and for Enlighten, the same dictionary says:
"To give spiritual or intellectual insight to: “Enlighten the people generally, and tyranny and oppression of body and mind will vanish like evil spirits at the dawn of day” (Thomas Jefferson).
To give information to; inform or instruct."
That's my prayer for everyone, specifically Americans, who won't take the time to think about anyone besides themselves. Selfish, spoiled rotten ignorant people.
We all could use some enlightenment. We all can learn from someone different from us. We all have power to make a difference. Sometimes it's hard not to get so frustrated with ignorance. I'm certainly not the wisest of them all, but I do try to use my brain to think outside my little place in this world. Sometimes you wonder where people get their ideas/behaviors, and why have they never questioned ANYTHING that is outside their personal experience of the world? It's easy for the majority in a situation to think they are right, just because they are a majority. Maybe you have to experience some sort of oppression to understand things are bigger than just what you see and know. Maybe everybody needs to experience that to appreciate the oppressed. If that is the case, then I'll add that to my prayer.
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| Invisible |
| 02.22.04 (9:15 pm) [edit] |
Today, I sat at the Sunday lunch table with my family, as we do most every Sunday afternoon. I love my family very much and choose to spend time with them on Sundays.
Today, I'm sitting there zoned out for a minute and then I realize they are talking about gay marriages in CA. My Dad, sister and brother in law are discussing this issue of gay marriage. There were no comments in favor of gay marriages. There were no strong comments against it, but a definite slant on the topic. I was shocked into silence. And then, I realized it wouldn't matter what I said anyway, because I am obviously invisible sitting there with them. If I WERE to comment on behalf of gay marriage, it would have started a war, and it would have all been my fault.
So, I just sat and ate quietly. Waiting for the topic to change. Certainly, nobody asked for my input on the subject anyway. The grandkids sitting at the next table heard them all talking about "them."
Who is going to tell those kids that I am one of "them?"
Is that my job?
If I do, then, I am evil and corrupting and a bad influence.
If I don't, they get to hear everything from the point of view of the good Christian heterosexuals who think I'm going to hell in a handbasket.
I'm just waiting for the right time and place with them. I don't intend on being invisible to my nieces forever.
I just hope I can do this with grace, and not so much anger as I feel at times about all this.
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| le buffet de toilette |
| 02.21.04 (9:02 am) [edit] |
I knew better, because I don't do buffets. But there was this new chinese buffet place that came into town that also offered sushi (which I love!). I should of known better but I let reason go right out the door and decided to literally put my life in their hands.
The customers alone should have been reason enough to run back to the car. Taking a slow glance around the room, it could have included the cast of Deliverance. You had your rednecks and mullets, along with flannel shirts and big belt buckles. I'm not saying I'm better than anyone, I'm just saying I didn't fit in there. But me and my partner love us some sushi and it was a new place and we thought we'd give it a shot. We knew within a few bites, that we were going to regret this decision. And, hours later, when I was naked and shivering in the bathroom from waves of diarrhea, I would curse my supiditiy. You DO NOT eat sushi in a southern rural city from a buffet that also has pizza, salad, fruit, and pudding. All that was missing was some hotdogs!
We had to laugh.
We got some fortune cookies. Mine said "when it gets dark enough, you can see the stars." Ok, I'll buy that, that makes sense. Well, let me tell you, it got really dark last night and I think I did see stars a time or two when I was about to pass out and fall off the toilet.
My partner's fortune read "Faith comes in a moment; vice is habitual." If you know my partner, the first sentence makes perfect sense but we weren't quite sure what the whole thing meant. We just didn't think these fortunes came from Confucius. Either that, or we were too ill to think that deeply. If you figure that one out, let me know.
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| work |
| 02.19.04 (10:46 pm) [edit] |
a little girl who reported her uncle sexually abused her,
a man who had sex with his adult daughter,
a capital murder suspect,
an attempted murderer currently in jail,
a man who called himself Donald Duck,
a man who fondled himself in the lobby,
a woman who had children by her father,
a man who hit his elderly wife causing her to have to be removed to a safe place,
the madness never ends.
Thank God, today and tomorrow I'm in some training to get out of the office.
Sometimes, just going day to day, I forget who awful this stuff would sound to the average person on the street.
I really don't know how I do it sometimes.
There's so much sickness and pain out there.
Sometimes, it puts things in perspective.
Sometimes it makes me feel numb.
Sometimes it makes me feel cold and hard.
Sometimes it makes me look at the person in the car next to me and wonder....
Alot of times it makes me unsympathetic to whiny asses.
Many times it makes me just want to veg out when I get home.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm as sick as the person sitting on the couch.
Alot of times, it makes me want to have peace and quiet.
It can make me want to avoid public places.
At times, It makes me long for a looooong tropical vacation.
It can make me thankful for what I got.
Sometimes it makes me feel like I'm pretty okay (I'm okay, you're okay, right?)
It makes me afraid for my nieces and stepchildren.
It makes me worry about my partner being out in the trenches day to day.
Sometimes it makes me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile.
And, other times, It can make me want to quit and clean toilets for a living.
This week, I'm tired and worn down from it.
And I can't wait for the weekend to have some free time away from it.
And to spend some time with my partner and family.
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| for the pink grrl |
| 02.16.04 (5:59 pm) [edit] |
I was thinking of some lyrics to a David Wilcox song and thought of you. Maybe the words don't apply at all, but I guess the [i]feeling[/i] that goes along with that place he's speaking from reminded me of places I have been, and maybe where you are. I don't know. Disregard if it doesn't apply. Take from it what you will. Just know that you've got folks thinking about ya.
Distant Water
from Home Again
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It's like you pass to me this bitter cup
So I can take a sip
And I know that it's likely gonna burn
But never mind the taste of it
I take what I can get
It sure is a hard way to learn
I mean look at how I sip your cup of nasty
Like I'm lucky for a taste to quench my thirst
When love creates an optical illusion
I'm gonna see it just the way it was rehearsed
Chorus
If I was dying in the desert
I would see shining on the sand
True love, like distant water
On dry land
I liked everything about you, except the way you treated me
But that didn't seem to matter much at first
I longed for you to fill me
Like a wino loves his drink
But every time you filled me with a thirst
Chorus
'Cause I was looking for a goddess who could save me
So I played the worshipping fool
The colder your kindness
The more it convinced me
You're just that cool
Now just look at how I sip your cup of nasty
Like I'm lucky for a taste to quench my thirst
When love creates an optical illusion
I'm gonna see it just the way it was rehearsed
Chorus
True love like distant water
On dry land
..............................................
© David Wilcox, all rights reserved
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| Do you know the history of Valentines Day? |
| 02.15.04 (1:15 pm) [edit] |
After getting on my rant of the commericalism of holidays in an earlier blog, I decided to look up the history of this holiday of [b]love[/b].....check out this website to read an interesting story......not at all like it is now.....not at all like we were taught....but then, what is?
http://wilstar.com/holidays/valentn.htm" title="http://wilstar.com/holidays/valentn.htm" target="_blank"http://wilstar.com/holidays/v...
I find it so interesting how the Church has changed everything to suit their appetites. To conquer and take things for themselves. To call it their own. To call everyone else the unenlightened ones. But never stopping to ask those questions that they have in the back of their minds. Never thinking that this could be wrong. Never a thought that men make mistakes and suppose someone wrote it down wrong? or maybe just translated things a little messed up. When the Word said "be perfect", the church said "be without sin, be without flaw", when the word perfect means "complete" according to the original language it was writeen. Makes much more sense that way, don't you think? Be complete. Yeah, I like that. But that sounds too easy for the Church, when they want to make you earn you way up the stairway to heaven. "Be perfect" makes for more guilt and shame and tithes and numbers and bigger churches, and takes away from the individual using their brain to think for themselves.
If the Bible is the sacred Word straight from the lips of God, then why are the four writers of the gospels telling different stories? Which one was right? Each one gave their own slant. Four accounts of the same experiences reflect four different stories. And I'm not saying they are all wrong or that one is right, what I'm saying is why can't we just look at the information and take what we can from it and call it good writing? There's lessons to be learned in there. There's philosophy to consider. So, consider them for yourself and leave me out of it! Feel free to share you ideas, but remember that it's just sharing, you don't have the inside line to God any more than I do. You're so interesting in herding everyone in that you lost sight of what is of most importance. What exactly are you herding your flock to do? [u]Is it LOVE that I see? [/u]I don't think so. It is judgment and pointing fingers and a gasp from the haughty.
Just some random thoughts I've had this morning.
And, as you might have guessed, I didn't go to Sunday School today.
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| friendships |
| 02.15.04 (12:42 pm) [edit] |
Hugh Prather wrote:
"Interests change. Friendship based on mutual interests is doomed. Real friendship is an unshakable faith in what was once truly seen, no matter how recently or long ago."
How true. I think we only have a few friendships that fit this description.
Two such friends have recently told me that I am in their will. It's a strange thing to hear from someone. It's an honor, a humbling experience. (It's also a sign that I'm getting older, and I don't feel like getting into the whole facing mortality thing today). Now, these folks don't have a lot of money, so the inheritance would not be very much monetarily.
But, what it has said to me is worth alot.
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| Valentine's Day |
| 02.14.04 (12:39 pm) [edit] |
I never have been very fond of the holiday. If you're single and not happy about it, it's just a reminder that you are single and not happy about it. If you're a couple, you are expected to do something special (so much for spontaneous expression). I have boycotted the holiday most of my adult life.
I'm not into holidays at all, really. It seems to me that commericalism has covered all the holidays much like kudzu. You can't even tell what's underneath there anymore.
The only thing that I still buy into is chocolate. I love me some chocolate, so that's one positive thing about Valentines Day. And next week, that chocolate will be 75% off!
For my grrl, I bought some chocolate. Today, I drove her car to get the oil changed. Tonight, I plan to give her a full body massage, and anything else she might desire.
Happy Valentine's Day, baby. You're my grrl.
I love you. :wink:
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| War |
| 02.12.04 (8:15 am) [edit] |
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I'm in this beautiful field and their are people and things around me that need something from me, or I feel I need to do something to help or comfort or try to heal their wounds....but the field is full of landmines. Everytime I move, I set one off. It doesn't matter if I tiptoe, run, jump, dive or walk slowly, I can set off a mine. If I just stand there, people die, people hurt, things are destroyed. And I can see the pain in their eyes, I can see the helplessness of the situation, and I want to come to their aid. Mighty Mouse come to save the day. If I move, I kill and destroy. I could lose everything, either way. I can't just stand there and watch the innocent suffer. I can't just watch and do nothing. But I don't have a map to figure my way around the mines. What if I step on a mine and hurt somebody else? Maybe that look of plea in their eyes is them saying, "please, just don't move, don't make things worse, just pray for us." How do I know what's right? I'm injured, but determined to help, to make some sort of difference. My bone is sticking out of my leg, a flash of white in red, and it hurts every time I move, but I HAVE to move. I have to do something. Even if it means I will die or be permanently damaged. I'm just praying I can find my way. I'm praying I can find relief and rescue and healing. Oh God/Goddess, please help me. Where's that damn chopper with the rescue workers? Give me some drugs, numb all this pain that I see and feel. I'm looking up at the sky and all I see is sky and the only sound is the beating of my heart and the pressure of blood and the aching sounds of those in pain, breathing heavy and fearful. God/Goddess, please bring some relief. Or give me a map. Or something. Anything.
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| What I'm hearing.... |
| 02.11.04 (9:32 am) [edit] |
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a knock on the door....you got a minute?....tell me when you get off line....we have another complaint.....there's been an incident....you ain't the boss of me....the sound of someone looming in my doorway instead of just saying "excuse me, have you got a minute to talk with me?"....I love you....silence...there's nothing you can do about it....are you okay?...we need you up here.....this doesn't really involve you....silence.....you're just too sensitive....you never show emotions.....you're too sensitive.....you know you are going to hell, right?....Jessus loves you.....why can't you be more like her?....why weren't you Jeffery?....interruptions....we have another emergency.....a sinking sound.....are you offline yet?.....be happy with what you have... bounce, bounce, bounce.....misery....did you take care of that?....why are you asking me that?....what's wrong?....can you talk to this lady?....that's the first I heard of it.....let me know if you have any problems....I don't care if you do have social phobia....what's wrong with you?...we didn't get the check....be grateful you have a job....good job, but don't pat yourself on the back....sighs.....knock, knock, knock....can you sign this?...are you leaving already?.....it's never enough.....why don't you ever come over?.....you got your plane tickets yet?.....what are wearing to the wedding?.....the sound of rising debt.... silence.....chaos......are you still online?.....you aren't good enough.....you aren't cool enough.....a dig in the back.....a dig in your face....what are you doing?.....you don't have any money, do you?......why don't you have any money?... at least you have someone to go home to at night.....crack news.....the sound of pressure......crackling......what have you got to complain about?....knock, knock.....screaming.....when are you coming up?.....why can't you?.....why didn't you?.....when will you?.....hounds from hell.....NPR.....bad news......shoulds....what is free time?.....I don't want you to feel bad, so I'll spare you....silence.....when will this ever end?....why did you have to be a lesbian?....why do you have short hair?....I like your hair better grown out.....why don't you wear more makeup?....why did you get out of touch?.....some things are better left unsaid....don't be sad when I'm sad.....what are you eating?........interruptions....the strain of wanting to help....helplessness.....you can't do it....you are not what I thought you were....shut the fuck up....you can't handle it....the heavy sound of darkness....keep out of it.....don't share...go away...please stay....we don't want to hear that shit.....can I help you, sir?....what do you expect?....the sounds of a breaking back, a breaking spirit.....wheels turning.....can you take care of this?....the sound of someone breathing down your neck......not a good place lately to tune in.....static....racing thoughts......you know better than that....how do you change the channel?....you gotta get a grip....nothing ever bothers you... silence....interruptions.....silence.....craziness
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| 12 yrs ago... |
| 02.10.04 (1:32 pm) [edit] |
Today is my niece's birthday, and on this day 12 yrs ago I became an aunt for the first time! What a thrill that was! I remember being on all fours outside the delivery room with my ear to the crack beneath the door.... And I heard that first trembling cry. I was hooked then and there. Melted to a puddle of mush. And I was determined to try to be a good aunt, and be supportive and loving and accepting of this little person for as long as I had breath in me.
I think I'm doing okay so far. One of my proudest moments came this past year when my sister shared that my niece had a questionairre to fill out....one of the questions was "who do you feel like you could talk to about anything" and my niece had put my name there. It was like I had won a gold metal. That's what I want to be, someone to be there no matter what, someone to accept them for who they are, someone to love them and be proud of them for no reason other than they are who they are. God, I wish I would have had someone like that when I was a kid. Every kid needs someone to think they are the shit. I never really experienced that and can't imagine what that would be like. Maybe I can make a difference, even in a small way. I sure hope so.
It is a struggle though, because my brother in law doesn't want my nieces and nephew to spend alone time with me. He is a bigot and I am a lesbian (deviant). My family doesn't really fight this, and for the most part, just make out like it's [u]MY[/u] fault I don't see them more often than I do. (Even though, the kids are not allowed to come to my house w/o their parents and their parents will rarely visit me......let's see, in the past 2 1/2 yrs, they have been to my house 4 times at best....and never for more than 30 minutes.)
I just hope they can see how much I love them and want to be there for them. I hope they know I am here, regardless of what my family may say to them. I hope they don't listen and believe everything they hear. I hope they aren't too damaged by that asshole. I hope they'll come to me when they need me. I hope.
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| smell ya later |
| 02.06.04 (7:08 pm) [edit] |
I'm brain dead.
Thought I would do a couple of lists regarding "scents."
[u]Displeasing smells:[/u]
1. my office after having a visit from someone who has serious B.O. (this includes funky monkey, sweat, kerosene, and generic cigarettes)
2. a child's poo diaper that needed changing an hour ago
3. terminal illness (like cancer) close to death
4. somebody who ate eggs and bacon this morning and still smells of it
5. vomit (and that red stuff they used to throw on it in school)
6. old man's cologne (I hate when it gets on you somehow and you have to smell it all day)
7. men, in general (feet, farts, funk, etc..)
8. kids after they have played outside and got all sweaty
9. the smell coming from under my house (something died under there and I'm not sure what)
10. that "old" smell
[u]Pleasant smells:[/u]
1. my grrl au naturale
2. mock orange blossoms
3. good incense
4. clothes from a clothes line
5. leather (and in particular, I like the smell of a horse and saddle)
6. a clean baby
7. fresh nature air....trees, flowers, etc.
8. the smell that would wake me up when my mom used to cook biscuits and chocolate syrup in the mornings.
9. eucalyptus spearmint massage lotion
10. sex
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| my afternoon |
| 02.04.04 (5:45 pm) [edit] |
Sudden waves of pain
Cold sweat
Immediate attention needed
Rush, wait, rush, wait
Missing important phone calls
People running around lost, searching for me
Calling my name
Needing my guidance
Emergencies
A pain in my ass
Nauseating
Broken and bowed
Fainting
Erupting
Pale and clammy
Wondering when I would have to rush back for more
Wondering if I would die
Wishing I would
Wanting to throw off my clothes
Cold water on my face and neck
In great need of fresh air
Wounded
Kneeling
Praying
This was my afternoon...
Explosive Diarrhea
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| Seasons of Your Heart |
| 02.02.04 (6:59 pm) [edit] |
"And a woman spoke, saying, Tell us of Pain. And he said:
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wonderous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over the fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.
Much of your pain is self chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears."
from THE PROPHET by Kahlil Gibran
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