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| self serving asshole |
| 01.23.04 (1:16 pm) [edit] |
:evil:
I don't believe I have ever seen such a self serving asshole in all my life. When I think about him, it makes me sick inside. When I see what he has done to you and what he continues to do to you, it makes me very angry. It feels me with these strong feelings that I am not at all comfortable with. Anger, resentment, disgust, enraged, repulsed, infuriated, crazy.
Everybody on the outside can look at it and say, "oh well, that's tough." But they don't know what you go through every minute of every day. The uncertainty, the fear, the anger, the frustration, the poverty of cash and time and freedom. I don't know the total cost of it all myself, cause so much of it is buried inside you. You stand there so strong and unshaken to the outside. You're tough, you can take on the whole world, right? So, why would you need anything from anybody? It's dismissed. Just like he is.
I've never loved anyone like this before, so I didn't know it could bring about such feelings in me, to see you hurt and denied and in pain. It hurts me to the core. And I feel powerless to make the situation better.
Just know that I know how wonderful you are. You are strong and loving and giving all you have and making the best of what is dealt you. You are much stronger than you know. Much stronger than I know. I could never have been through what you have and done it so beautifully. My hat is off. My head is bowed. My heart is broken. My mind is in turmoil. My love is stronger by the day.
You are amazing and such a good person. A wonderful soul.
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| a prayer |
| 01.23.04 (10:23 am) [edit] |
Why is it that we don't do the things we know we need to do to take good care of ourselves? I want to make better choices. I need exercise. I need sex. I need sleep. I need to eat right. I need to read. I need to write. I need education/enlightenment. I need private time with my partner. I need my family and friends. I need some social life. I need a friend. I need to manage stress better at work. I need to let go of shit. I need a fucking break.
I need time to take my time with my partner and enjoy her person, her body, her scent, her taste, her love, every inch of it. All of it. Inhale it all and breathe it out slowly and with total focus on the moment. [b]For I know what a treasure is by my side.[/b] I have what everybody wants. And I'm no beauty queen, or eye candy for anybody else, but I am beautiful to the one that counts.
And I am thankful to my God. And I am thankful to my partner. I am thankful for my few good friends. I am thankful for the goodness I see. I am thankful for my family's love. I am thankful to be an aunt. I hope I show it enough, and if I don't, I hope I start doing better at it.
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| some days.... |
| 01.22.04 (3:37 pm) [edit] |
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:x Some days you just wish you could have stayed home, in your pj's, and never got out of bed. Somedays you just feel like dosing yourself with something to numb you for awhile, or just let you get some sleep. I can't remember the last time I had a chance to just truly relax for an evening. That would be heaven.
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| suffocating |
| 01.22.04 (8:01 am) [edit] |
Most all of my adult life, I have struggled financially. Growing up in a middle class family, I never knew the meaning of "struggle" in the financial sense. My family can't comprehend the mess I'm in. But then, none of them have the expense and income that I have each month. How COULD they understand? When you have a spouse that makes a good living, how could you really understand? Hell, I can't understand how I got here myself. I mean, I don't have the shopoholic tendencies of my mother. I don't buy alot of stuff. I don't travel. I don't have anything wasteful about my spending that would raise an eyebrow.
But here I am. Standing on my tiptoes, just trying to keep my nose above the water, waiting for the next wave to wash me away and hoping I can gather my senses and find solid ground underneath me, even though it will only be for a short while. Maybe enough to let me get my breath and rest my muscles and toes for a bit.
Growing up, I never knew our family had any money at all. Not that we were rich, by any means, but that we never struggled to make ends meet. When I was an infant, my parents built a house (they still live there now). When the last brick was laid of that house, it was paid in full. No housepayments. Ever. So, how could I expect them to understand my tiptoe situation?
My parents never spent money when I was growing up. We took two vacations as a family, and it was just a blur out the car window. We had a modest home, no big expensive stuff, just modest. Now, my Dad is retired and my parents have taken to spending money. It's a strange thing to watch. They have saved all their lives, and now they are going to auctions and buying up stuff and saving stuff and hoarding stuff. I am ashamed to say that I look at all this STUFF and it makes me feel frustrated. Here I am struggling from paycheck to paycheck and they spend hundreds of dollars a day buying stuff that will most likely be sitting there in their house when they die. It's awful for me to think of their waste. And ironic. I don't like them trying to tell me how to spend my money. I don't have the right to look in judgment of how they spend theirs. It's just that I see them piss away what could pay off debts. And even in saying that, I know I have no right to say anything at all.
I'm glad they are having fun and enjoying some of their money. I just feel they have taken it a step too far. It has become a hinderance to their wellbeing. The clutter. The anxiety because of the money spent and the clutter that has taken over the house and their lives. It's hard to see. And frustrating to watch without knowing any way to help.
Maybe we are all suffocating. They are suffocating in anxiety and clutter. I'm suffocating in debt. And I don't see it getting any better for any of us.
This is my space here. When I first considered journaling online, I thought of how useful it was to journal in the past. Then, I thought about who I would allow or want to read it. Then, I started changing my thoughts immediately. Wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, right? I only have one person I trust with all my thoughts/feelings, and that is my partner. So, if I want this to be a safe place and a useful place, I need to forget about guarding my thoughts/feelings and just write. So, I will do just that. It may be ugly. It may be silly. It may be angry at times. It may be socially incorrect. It may be anything at all. I just think I'll have to let go and do it or not do it at all. Unless I just want to post pretty poems or something that will be impressive to others. Naw, I am doing this for me. So, here it is, raw and unrehearsed and NOT perfect.
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| Shimmer and Sing |
| 01.21.04 (2:31 pm) [edit] |
There is a song that has meant alot to me for years called
"Diamond in the Rough" by Shawn Colvin and John Leventhal.
It reminds me of a much more simple time, and how events/people have influenced me since that innocent time.
I have mourned for that little girl, and sometimes I still do.
Maybe most importantly, I try to remember to hang on to this rough, little stone.
And shimmer and sing.
Here's the song:
[u]"DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH"[/u] BY SHAWN COLVIN - JOHN LEVENTHAL
"As a little girl I came down to the water
With a little stone in my hand
It would shimmer and sing
And we knew everything
As a little girl I came down
But in a little while I got steeped in authority
Heaven only knows what went wrong
There is nothing so cruel
Than to bury that jewel
When it was mine all along
I'm gonna find it
You're shining, I can see you
You're smiling, that's enough
I'm holding on to you
Like a diamond in the rough
Every now and then
I can see that I'm getting somewhere
Where I have to go is so deep
I was angry back then
and you know I still am
I have lost too much sleep
But I'm gonna find it
You're shining, I can see you
You're smiling, that's enough
I'm holding on to you
Like a diamond in the rough
Like a diamond in the rough
In my dreams I go down by the water
With a little girl in my arms
And we shimmer and sing
And we know everything
In my dreams I go down
You're shining, I can see you
You're smiling, that's enough
I'm holding on to you
Like a diamond in the rough
Like a diamond in the rough."
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| testing 1, 2, 3 |
| 01.20.04 (7:42 pm) [edit] |
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I have no idea what I am doing. :roll:
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